Tell me if you like my story!?

Kittens











Cindy P. DuBois





























Chapter 1





Once, there was a girl named Lily. Lily wanted a dog or a bunny, but both her parents were allergic to both dogs and bunnies. Lily has two brothers and three sisters. Her siblings’ names were, Hermione, Samantha, Sydney, then Jake, and Garrett. Lily was eleven, turning twelve on July 12tth1995 at precisely 10:03am.


At 1:02pm on July 11th, one day until she turned twelve, Lily called her best friend Taylor, too see if she could come over to talk and play. Taylor’s mom said yes. Taylor lived right across the street so she could just walk across the street.


“Hey!” Taylor exclaimed. Lily replied, “What do you wanna do today?” “Idk, ttly” Taylor said back to Lily. “Well we could take a walk down the road to keep fit.” Lily suggested. “That’s a ttly good idea!” Taylor said.


“Mom, may Taylor and I take a walk down the road?” Lily asked her mom. “Sure, but make sure your back by sunset.” Lily’s mom replied. “But Mom!” Lily argued. “No buts Lily, it’s either you stay or you go. Until sunset only.” Mom said. Lily and Taylor took about two minutes thinking about it then Lily and Taylor said together, “Fine, we’ll go.” Then Lily walked out the door, as well as Taylor. “Bye!” Lily’s mom said as Lily and Taylor were half way on the driveway. Then Both girls said “Ditto.”








“Hey, what do you think I should do for the talent show this year?” Lily asked Taylor. “ I don’t know. Maybe we could do something together this year.” Taylor said. “ Yeah, maybe. So what should we do?” Lily asked Taylor.” Maybe we could…dance.” Lily said. “Now what should we dance to?” Taylor asked Lily. “We could try to make a dance up to Low, by Flo-rida.” Lily said.














“Yah” Taylor said.

Tell me if you like my story!?
Hey there. I%26#039;m glad that I%26#039;m not the only person out there who is trying to write a story. I%26#039;m happy that you are trying, at the very least.





Maybe you can take some of my advice? Is there a story plot behind this? I can%26#039;t really tell. Maybe you can make a prologue. There is one thing that really stood out to me: you don%26#039;t really have a wide sense of vocabulary. Try using more details in your story. Another thing you need to improve on are your sentence structures. A lot of your sentences begin with %26quot;then%26quot;. Sorry if I sound a bit mean....I%26#039;m not trying to. Try putting a glimpse of the story plot into your book.





I realize that my story isn%26#039;t that good either. I have an %26quot;okay%26quot; writing style, but like the people who commented said, I don%26#039;t have much of a story plot in that first chapter. But, I%26#039;m gonna keep trying. I hope you do too, because we all start out somewhere, right? Don%26#039;t give up, you can still make something out of this. I%26#039;m cheering for you! Good luck.
Reply:um, you might not want to use like email/aim abbreviations because that could confuse people. and make it a little more interesting
Reply:I would have to say no... it%26#039;s all over the place and it doesn%26#039;t flow... but don%26#039;t give up! Read some short stories... and continue writing... and think about who your reader is... because right now it sounds like your reader would be a 3rd grade girl.
Reply:idk the story has many dif. things going on and its a lil confusing. the story is called kittens, altough (i no its only ch. 1) but has nothing to do with them there is also something about lily%26#039;s bday but not much, try organinzing all your ideas before you throw them into a big mosh pit. its defs got a lot of potential
Reply:Yeah, it%26#039;s good so far, but try to avoid text language like %26quot;idk%26quot; and %26quot;ttly%26quot; when you%26#039;re writing, it%26#039;s bad English grammer.
Reply:Sorry, don%26#039;t like it. Nothing grabbed my attention or made it interesting
Reply:» The story had a horrible beginning. You just put all of the information about Lily in one paragraph. And DO NOT USE %26quot;idk%26quot; or %26quot;ttly%26quot;. I suggest you not continue.





EDIT: Don`t make the characters say boring things that you would hear everyday. Your readers would not want to hear that because that`s how they talk to their friends so it becomes predictable, which is never a good thing.





Take out the Flo-Rida song. Don`t tell them that. It`s unnecessary. Just tell them they are going to dance to something.





And what I said earlier, about cramping all the information in one paragraph, spread it out so the readers are learning about Lily throughout the story. For example, if there is a scene about Lily and her siblings later in the book, you can add that info. %26quot;Lily has two brothers and three sisters.%26quot; Also, describe their personality, physical traits. People tend to remember faces, not names. ESPECIALLY it`s over six people. Good luck with your writing.





EDIT2: By the way, don`t give specific dates. It`s boring. People don`t care. And also, try reading more books and see different styles of writing. By your first paragraph, I can probably guess you don`t read a lot of books for fun.
Reply:its alright because when you write a story most people wouldnt use idk or ttly. maybe you should use better english. The story line is thin and boring. The intro needs work. I think you should start over and get some help writing the stroy. Thats just my opinion.
Reply:lol ok.
Reply:idk
Reply:Um... no.
Reply:You might want to elaborate on some of your ideas, give a bit more background information. And I know it%26#039;s only chapter one, but the title seems kind of irrelevant. Last thing- change %26quot;has%26quot; to %26quot;had%26quot; in the third sentence (Lily had two brothers and three sisters.)


Other than that, it%26#039;s good. Keep writing :)



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